way too hard

I thought about how I bumbled around for the remainder of May trying to get my life into some sort of order. Days went by when I felt so happy and confident that my life would be okay, then, as quickly as the feeling came, it would disappear again, and I feel my sadness setting in once more. I tried to find a routine I could happily fall into so that I'll feel like I belong to my body, and my body belongs to my life, instead of wandering around like a zombie watching others live their lives while I'm waiting for mine to end. Unfortunately, the routine hadn't turned out exactly as I hope it would. I still find myself immobile for hours in my bed, reliving every single memory Ron and I had shared. Sadly, I spend most of my time thinking about every argument we had, wishing I could them all back, wishing I could take back every horrible word I have said to him. I pray that Ron had known that those words had only been spoken out of anger, that they had not reflected my true feelings. I wished all our memories could be of good times, but the bad times kept coming back to haunt me. They had all been such a waste of time.

Nobody told me that we're short on time.

Then there were my happy days, when I would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on my face, catching myself giggling when a joke of ours would suddenly pop inside my head. This is my routine. I would fall into days of deep, dark depression, and then finally build up the strength to be positive and snap out of it for another few days; yet, the tiniest and simplest things would trigger off my tears again. It's a tiring process. Most of the time, I couldn't be bothered battling with my mind, It's far stronger than any muscle in my body.

Friends and family are always around. Sometimes helping me with my tears, other times making me laugh. But even in my laughter, there's something missing. I seem to be just passing time while I'm waiting for something else. But I'm tired of just existing, I want to live. But what's the point in living when there's no life in it?

Deep down, I know it's normal to feel like this. I don't particularly think that I'm losing my mind. I know that one day I'll be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. It's getting to that day that is the hard part.

isn't it awwwwwful?

Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I say "I'm fine, Thank You.", but to be honest, I'm not. Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask how you are? Or are they just trying to be polite?

Tell you what, the next time someone ask me how I am, I'm going to say that I'm not actually doing well at all. That I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed off at the world. Envious of everyone, and their perfect little lives. And then I'll say how I started a new life on my own, but not meeting other people because I chose to start my new world without anyone around. I'll say that I don't have much friends at the moment because I opted to be isolated from the rest of the universe for I don't want them to worry about me because that won't help anyway. I’ll tell him/her that how I consume bottles of beer every night because that’s the only way I can get myself to sleep. I’ll say how I eat meals but not tasting anything but bitterness. I’ll tell how I pretend to be okay in front of my family because I don’t want to answer their insensitive questions. I'll tell that person how I'm trying to pick myself up but that I'm now at a loss about what else to do. Then I'll say how it pisses me off when everyone says that "Time is a healer" when at the same time they also say that "Absence make the heart grow fonder", which actually confuses me, because that means that the longer he's not around, the more I want him. I'll tell that person that nothing is really healing at all and that every morning when I wake up in my empty bed, it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealing wounds. And then I'll tell him/her how much I miss him and about how my life seems so worthless without him around. How uninterested I am in getting things on with things without him, and I'll explain how I feel like I’m just waiting for my world to end so this will all go away. That person will probably say nothing; go on with his/her life as he/she usually does while I'm still deciding how to spend an emotionally draining day alone.

What do you think 'bout that?