way too hard

I thought about how I bumbled around for the remainder of May trying to get my life into some sort of order. Days went by when I felt so happy and confident that my life would be okay, then, as quickly as the feeling came, it would disappear again, and I feel my sadness setting in once more. I tried to find a routine I could happily fall into so that I'll feel like I belong to my body, and my body belongs to my life, instead of wandering around like a zombie watching others live their lives while I'm waiting for mine to end. Unfortunately, the routine hadn't turned out exactly as I hope it would. I still find myself immobile for hours in my bed, reliving every single memory Ron and I had shared. Sadly, I spend most of my time thinking about every argument we had, wishing I could them all back, wishing I could take back every horrible word I have said to him. I pray that Ron had known that those words had only been spoken out of anger, that they had not reflected my true feelings. I wished all our memories could be of good times, but the bad times kept coming back to haunt me. They had all been such a waste of time.

Nobody told me that we're short on time.

Then there were my happy days, when I would walk around in a daydream with nothing but a smile on my face, catching myself giggling when a joke of ours would suddenly pop inside my head. This is my routine. I would fall into days of deep, dark depression, and then finally build up the strength to be positive and snap out of it for another few days; yet, the tiniest and simplest things would trigger off my tears again. It's a tiring process. Most of the time, I couldn't be bothered battling with my mind, It's far stronger than any muscle in my body.

Friends and family are always around. Sometimes helping me with my tears, other times making me laugh. But even in my laughter, there's something missing. I seem to be just passing time while I'm waiting for something else. But I'm tired of just existing, I want to live. But what's the point in living when there's no life in it?

Deep down, I know it's normal to feel like this. I don't particularly think that I'm losing my mind. I know that one day I'll be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. It's getting to that day that is the hard part.

isn't it awwwwwful?

Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I say "I'm fine, Thank You.", but to be honest, I'm not. Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask how you are? Or are they just trying to be polite?

Tell you what, the next time someone ask me how I am, I'm going to say that I'm not actually doing well at all. That I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed off at the world. Envious of everyone, and their perfect little lives. And then I'll say how I started a new life on my own, but not meeting other people because I chose to start my new world without anyone around. I'll say that I don't have much friends at the moment because I opted to be isolated from the rest of the universe for I don't want them to worry about me because that won't help anyway. I’ll tell him/her that how I consume bottles of beer every night because that’s the only way I can get myself to sleep. I’ll say how I eat meals but not tasting anything but bitterness. I’ll tell how I pretend to be okay in front of my family because I don’t want to answer their insensitive questions. I'll tell that person how I'm trying to pick myself up but that I'm now at a loss about what else to do. Then I'll say how it pisses me off when everyone says that "Time is a healer" when at the same time they also say that "Absence make the heart grow fonder", which actually confuses me, because that means that the longer he's not around, the more I want him. I'll tell that person that nothing is really healing at all and that every morning when I wake up in my empty bed, it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealing wounds. And then I'll tell him/her how much I miss him and about how my life seems so worthless without him around. How uninterested I am in getting things on with things without him, and I'll explain how I feel like I’m just waiting for my world to end so this will all go away. That person will probably say nothing; go on with his/her life as he/she usually does while I'm still deciding how to spend an emotionally draining day alone.

What do you think 'bout that?

movies... quotes... love affairs...

"Death can not stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while." -from the movie "The Princess Bride"

"I’ve kissed a guy... I’ve kissed guys. I just haven’t felt that thing.... That thing... that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, ‘cause you feel so lucky that you’ve found it, and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time." -Drew Barrymore; from the movie "Never Been Kissed"

"You will never know love unless you surrender to it."from the movie "Fools Rush In"

"I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you." -John Smith, from the movie "Pocahontas"

"I guarantee there’ll be tough times; I guarantee that at some point, one, or both of us is gonna wanna get out of this thing; But I also guarantee, that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life... because I know in my heart, that you’re the only one for me." -from the movie "Runaway Bride"

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -Billy Crystal, from the movie "When Harry Met Sally"

"When two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get things right, how do you know when enough is enough?" -from the movie "The Mexican"

"Love is like the wind.. You can't see it, but you can feel it." -from the movie "A Walk to Remember"

"If I want to share the rest of my life with you, I've got to ask you now." -from the movie "Runaway Bride"

"I'd rather spend a lifetime with you then to live all the ages of this world alone." -from the movie "Lord of the Rings"

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll bewaiting. -Tinkerbell, from the movie "Peter Pan"

"I would rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." -from the movie "Steel Magnolias"

"There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space... and silence." -from the movie "Someone Like You"

"Love is about making chances!" -from the movie "The Sweetest Thing"

"...A life without love is no life at all." -from the movie "Ever After"

"You are the only person that can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time." -from the movie "The Hot Chick"

"Why do you want to marry me?So I can kiss you anytime I want!" -from the movie "Sweet Home Alabama"

"I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else." -from the movie "The Wedding Date"

"If your not willing to sound stupid, you're not worthy of falling in love." -from the movie "A Lot Like Love"

"Hearts will never be practical, until they are made unbreakable." -from the movie "The Wizard of Oz"

"Some of the best things in life are total mistakes." -from the movie "Paycheck"

"If we were a movie you'd be the right guy, and I'd be the best friend that you'd fall in love with!" -Miley Cyrus

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." -from the movie " The Notebook"

"The hardest thing is loving someone and having the courage to let them love you back." -from the movie "Wedding Date"

my newest source of happiness

Never in my wildest dream that we would share such an intimate relationship. It was a very unpredictable moment in my life that I never thought it would reach this far. I never thought that I'd be sharing my life with a man that I thought I would never like. He's way far from what I really want yet his being far-from-my-Mr.right was the thing that lead me to him.

Nine months of relationship is quite long for many of us but for us, it's seems like a couple of days for we enjoy each other's company so much. We never stopped getting to know each other every single day of our lives. I can say, that, we really love each other, beyond description. We're not the perfect type, don't get me wrong. Yet, the imperfections give us lessons that we use every time. We fight, We argue, but at the end of every day, we keep on lying in each other's arms. We never let go of each other like any other couples did for we believe that we were made for each other and that God Bound us to be together. We nurture our love as we spend our lives. We promised to stay as long as we can. We build our dreams together, planned the future with each other. We love each other so much that we keep on our lives with the dream that someday, I will be his wife and he will be my hubby...

doc, di pa tapos

“Do not read what is written here!”This is the first line in Bob Ong’s book, “Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Pilipino”. It also serves as a warning for pragmatic Filipinos who cannot take the hurtful truth about our race. If you cannot be proud of Filipinos being bureaucratic, corrupt, unprincipled, and a hundred other negative things, do not read this book. If you cannot take the negative perceptions of foreigners about our race, may they be true, exaggerated, or false, do not read this book.

A book can be viewed from two perspectives: the author’s and the reader’s. What the author’s perspective in this book is, we can only speculate, for writing this paper does not entail interviewing the author, lest the reader fail to have his own view of the book. Whether the author and the reader match in perspective is irrelevant. What’s important is the reader gets his own perspective from the book. For example, we can say Bob Ong writes deeply and philosophically in his book, or he writes shallowly but comprehensively.

nakoch doc! i'm so lost, really...
ang hirap nmn kasi magsulat kapag pinipilit. tsktsk...

Bob Ong (not his real name), considered to be the mass-market mystery man, a publishing phenomenon whose blockbuster book sales are equaled only by the anonymity he maintains. The most unusual best-selling Filipino author you’ve never met.

Here is what can be proven about the enigmatic Mr. Ong: he has written six books, “ABNKKBSNPLAko?!,” “Bakit Baliktad Magbasa ng Libro Ang Mga Pilipino?,” “Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas,” “Alamat ng Gubat,” “Stainless Longganisa,” and "MacArthur". All of which have a combined sales of almost a quarter million.

His defunct Bobong Pinoy website received a People’s Choice Philippine Web Award for Weird/Humor in 1998. His books are a favorite among Filipinos of all classes and among students—even if they’re not required reading. He has never appeared at any book launching, not even his own, nor on TV.

motivation...

Ever After
Bonnie Bailey

Three years ago,my journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start
The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet i fell hard for your imperfections

And now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you yeh
Cuz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain't no current in this river we can't ride
I still believe in ever after with you

Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we're floating when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
Emotions volcanic eruptions
We both still care so we're still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you
I want to make it right

you are my twisted sunshine.......

i'll be missing her...

Mom's leaving to be with her husband. Seems pretty normal for the rest of the family members since it's the nth time my mom will be leaving but not for me....

She arrived here July 2006, stayed for 16 months. The longest stay compared to her other vacations here. I lived with her for just 8 months. We had a big fight. Well, that's the reason why I stayed in the boarding house, lived with people I barely know.

Now, she's leaving. I am not sure when she's coming back and when will I see her again. She bid me goodbye before I go to school, and God! I can't help but cry... I've realized that many months were wasted because of our fight. We could've just stayed with each other, to be together. If I only knew that she will be leaving so soon, I should've apologized earlier. I could've told her how sorry I am for what had happened between us. I feel like I lost all my chances to show her how thankful I am because she was the one who found me...

To my mother, I'm so sorry for all the pains
and the wrong things I have caused you and Will.
I love you so much in spite of all my mistakes and imperfections....

Take care always....

Love you mom...